Legally Blonde Hogwarts
by Alexei Noire
Summary: The life of men, make up and pink acessories! COMPLETE
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.  
  
FOREWORD: This story came about in the depths of my insane mind. There is no plan, no plot, no end result - I write it on the spur of the moment. And all FLAMES WILL BE IGNORED, SPAT AT AND PUT IN THE MEAT GRINDER!  
  
Alexei Noire xXx :D  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 1: Malfoy's Make up~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
{Aboard the Hogwarts Express, in the compartment with Crabbe, Goyle and Malfoy}  
  
Malfoy: *camp voice* Now, now Goyle if you keep using cheap lip-gloss, you'll NEVER pull a guy.  
  
Goyle: Huh?  
  
Crabbe: *camp voice* He's talking about your gaudy lippy, darling.  
  
Malfoy: I mean most gals will make do with market make up, but really, girls - I'm a demanding laydee! *flicks wrist limply*.  
  
Crabbe: Look at my new nail varnish, darling! *shows bright pink nails* I'm sure I could pull that Potter any day! *giggles gaily*  
  
Malfoy: *camp angry voice* Oi! That Potter is mine! All mine! His tight, firm, muscular ass, ohhh I wanna bury myself in that some day!  
  
Crabbe: *gasps* I thought you were going to forget about this repulsive little...STICK we have growing out of our crotches? We dream of having fully functional vaginas some day - or are you betraying your gay heritage?  
  
Goyle: Huh?  
  
Malfoy: Whatever gave you THAT idea, Vinny? I love my penis, and plus not all gays are like us. I mean that Potter is gay and he acts as straight as a ruler!  
  
Crabbe: *giggles girlishly* Yeah, but he's about as straight as a circle!  
  
Malfoy: *flicks wrist* Bitch!  
  
Goyle: Wha...?  
  
Crabbe: *swoops and kisses Goyle sloppily* Bless you, you little slut!  
  
Malfoy: Now, girls I want you to promise me that you'll help me in whatever it takes to get that Potter into bed!  
  
Crabbe: *hugs Malfoy* Course I will girlfriend!  
  
[Malfoy gets up and begins to do ballet in happiness]  
  
Malfoy: *extremely camp voice* That Potter is as good as mine! *cackles wickedly*  
  
[Exeunt]  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	2. Such a Bitch!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.  
  
A/N: I'm not sane - please understand that. Alexei Noire xXx :D  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 2: Such a Bitch!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
{Hogwarts Grounds - Draco, Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy are sitting under the shade of a pine tree}  
  
Pansy: *camp voice* So anyways, girls I wanted to know - am I hot, or am I hot?  
  
Crabbe: *camp voice* Where did THAT come from, darl?  
  
Malfoy: *camp voice* Shit, I can feel my balls!  
  
[Everyone stares at Malfoy]  
  
Goyle: Huh?  
  
Pansy: Rrrrright (!) Well anywho, I wanted to tell y'all that my parents are letting me enlarge my boobs!  
  
Crabbe: *horrified, but still sufficiently camp* You - WHAT?  
  
Pansy: *giggly* Yeah, girl! They said I could go to the Beauty Boutique in Diagon Alley during Christmas and get my boobs enlarge with an Engorgement Charm.  
  
Malfoy: *camp* I think I wanna get my penis enlarged...  
  
Crabbe: *stiffly* Um...darling - what did we discuss about using the 'P' word in front of me?  
  
Malfoy: *slightly less camp* Fine! Cock! Dick! Rod! Tool! Sword! Little Soldier - that good enough?  
  
Goyle: What the fuck?  
  
Crabbe: *aghast* I say, darling! What's got into you recently? One would almost think you were turning... you were turning...  
  
Malfoy: Straight?  
  
Crabbe: *screams loudly* Sacrilege Darling!!!  
  
Pansy: *airy-fairy voice* Well I'd love to sit and chat gals, but I have some corns to massage! TOODLES! *air kisses each of the three Slytherins*  
  
[Pansy leaves, and from inside the castle come Harry Potter followed by Lavender Brown and Seamus Finnigan]  
  
Malfoy: Ohhh there he is, ladies! *wolf whistles* Damn! Is he going out with that Brown? Shit! I'm gonna have to deal with her somehow!  
  
Crabbe: *disgusted* But Dwakey, we made a pact never to fall in love with guys!  
  
Malfoy: *disgusted* You know, life isn't all make up and fast cars!  
  
[Malfoy gets up and walks over to Harry, trying to make conversation]  
  
Harry: Uh, what do you want Malfoy?  
  
Malfoy: Oh hellooo darlings! *waves girlishly* Have you seen my new nail varnish? It's just DIVINE!  
  
Lavender: *bemused* Um, Malfoy are you some kind kind of poof?  
  
Harry: *rather turned on at Malfoy's gayness* Uhh, no babe, I think he just wanted to make conversation.  
  
Seamus: *sexy Irish accent* Fucking fudge packer!  
  
Malfoy: *camp* Don't be such a bitch, Finnigan - that Roger Davies told me what a marvellously powerful SUCK you possess...*smacks lipsticked lips menacingly*  
  
Lavender: Rrright - we REALLY should get going, eh Harry? *grabs hold of Harry's ass, making him perk up slightly*  
  
Harry: *shocked* I-What? Yeah, course!  
  
[They walk over to the Lake and began to do Riverdancing]  
  
Malfoy: *dreamily* SUCH a nice ass!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~#  
  
I know it's too stupid for words but plz review! 


	3. Cosmopolitan Magazine

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.  
  
I'd like to thank BlackLadyofDoom (lil Nay!) and Lyn for their reviews. THANKS GUYS!  
  
Alexei Noire xXx :D  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 3: Cosmopolitan Magazine~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
[In Slytherin Boys' Dormitory]  
  
Crabbe: *camp voice* Okay, Cosmo says that most girls our age like to experiment a little with their peers. *laughs gaily* Yeah RIGHT - like I'd ever kiss a GIRL!  
  
Malfoy: *slyly* Well, actually Vinny - I've been having cravings for those of the same sex as me...  
  
Goyle: Yeah, course you have - you're gay. GAY BOY!  
  
Malfoy: *angrily* Shut up, Goyle - I'm trying to come onto Crabbe so that we kiss and then... oh forget it! *collapses onto bed*  
  
Crabbe: *camp* Okay - ewww that would have been like totally disgusting! *flaps hands about frantically* Man I'm gayer than Christmas!  
  
Malfoy: Gimme Cosmo, I wanna check out the fashion pages. I hear this season that pinstripe skirts are IN!  
  
Goyle: *laughs derisively, but the forgets why he's laughing so stops*  
  
[Crabbe slaps Goyle's vast ass]  
  
Goyle: *angrily* GET OFF MOY LAND!  
  
Malfoy: *totally oblivious to Goyle's ranting* Aha, here it is! *pauses to read*  
  
[Crabbe begins to fix his bra, and tuck a Galleon safely into one of them]  
  
Goyle: Can we play QUID-ITCH?  
  
[Malfoy and Crabbe gasp, looking up at Goyle as if he insulted their families]  
  
Crabbe: Please don't tell me you're... straight? *whimpers*  
  
Goyle: *obviously forgotten that he just mentioned sport in front of gays* What?  
  
Malfoy: *looking back down at magazine* Oh girls, I want to show you something, it's VERY impressive.  
  
[Malfoy gets up off the bed, and sticks his hip out]  
  
Crabbe: *confusedly camp* What am I meant to be seeing, exactly?  
  
Malfoy: *grumbles* Look! *sticks hip out even further* No panty line!  
  
Crabbe: *astonished* Sucking Sodomites! How the devil did you manage that?  
  
Malfoy: *licks lipsticked lips* No panty line - because NO PANTIES!  
  
Goyle: Yuck.  
  
Crabbe: *clapping* Oh bravo! BRAVO! That Potter's as good as yours!  
  
Malfoy: *lowers hip* Ah yes, but you see, Vinny - Potter fancies guys that act straight, so naturally a poof like me's out of the question! No... his style would be more like Seamus Finnigan *smacks lips* And I need to do away with that Lavender girl, she's just with him to make him LOOK straight. Ahhh what a daring plan, my pretties!  
  
Crabbe: *slaps his own ass* Oh hell yes! Ever since that Snape became a woman, now to be called Sally, I was always looking for a new adventure for us!  
  
Goyle: *wakes up* Who the hell are YOU?  
  
Malfoy: *looks down condescendingly* What we're going to do, girls is go in DRAG!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~#  
  
Hehehe okay, as I said there's no plot, so whatever they plan and plot in these chapters will not happen later.  
  
Alexei Noire xXx :D 


	4. Potions With Professor Sally

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.  
  
I'd like to thank Megan13 and Rayeanna for their reviews.  
  
Alexei Noire xXx :D  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 4: Potions with Professor Sally~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
{Potions Class with Professor Sally, formerly known as Snape}  
  
Malfoy: *camp but happy* Oooh look at that Potter's arse!  
  
Crabbe: *annoyed* No! He's too boyish for my liking!  
  
Goyle: Huh?  
  
{Over at Harry, Hermione and Ron's table}  
  
Hermione: Hey Harry, I think Malfoy's looking at your arse!  
  
Harry: *turns round and swears at Malfoy* Fucking faggot!  
  
Ron: *trying to impress Hermione* Why would anyone look at Harry's ass when they got MINE to looks at? *sticks out his butt*  
  
Hermione: *disgusted* Err, Ron - no! *slaps Harry's ass hard and squeezes it* Now THAT's what you call a real ass!  
  
Harry: OW! That hurt you know!  
  
Hermione: *mischievously* Yes but you ENJOYED it didn't you? *flicks tongue in and out rapidly*  
  
Ron: Oi Hermione! You're meant to be MY girlfriend!  
  
[Professor Sally strides over wearing lurid purple robes and a bright pink bow in her hair]  
  
Professor Sally: *girlishly* Not arguing I hope, chaps?  
  
Ron: No Professor, I was just coming onto Harry. *kisses Harry deeply*  
  
Professor Sally: *excited* Oooooh well don't let me get in your way! *smacks Hermione's ass* Maybe there's even room for third, eh Granger?  
  
Hermione: *laughing weakly* Yeah... ha ha ha.  
  
[Professor Sally walks away]  
  
Hermione: *angrily* Ron what the fuck were you doing kissing Harry? You're meant to be MY boyfriend, not HIS!  
  
Harry: *a bit distraught* Um aren't we forgetting a very important detail? I'm not gay!  
  
Ron: *laughing derisively* Yeah right!  
  
Hermione: *chuckling* You think we're stupid?  
  
Harry: I'm not! I go out with Lavender!  
  
Hermione: Yeah but she's too stupid to realise that you wank off to a picture of Sirius on your parents' wedding day.  
  
Harry: *blushing* How... wha... when?  
  
Ron: *slipping hands round Hermione's waist and kissing her neck* You don't make any effort to keep your voice down you know. I seen you do it Harry, I had to put a Silencing Charm on myself so that I wouldn't laugh the house down.  
  
Harry: *wide-eyed* But... But... Hermione aren't you disgusted?  
  
Hermione: *giggles* Not really - I thought Sirius was pretty cute myself. Dick was a bit large for my liking though.  
  
Ron: WHAT?  
  
Hermione: *quickly* I...errrr...saw his trouser bulge? Some men have a time hiding those pesky little buggers!  
  
Ron: *collapsing onto stool in disbelief* I can't believe this - you fucked Sirius Black before I could!  
  
Hermione: *ignoring the fact that her boyfriend fancies Harry's dead godfather* Oh Ron, his dick wasn't any bigger than yours...or Professor Snape when she was a he.  
  
Ron: *stands up angrily* WHAT!? You fucked Snape too?  
  
Hermione: *looking up to the ceiling* Oh shit.  
  
{Back at Malfoy's table}  
  
Malfoy: Why do you think Potter swore at me? You reckon he wants to shag me?  
  
[Pansy Parkinson walks over, wobbling slightly under the weight of her overlarge boobs]  
  
Pansy: Bulstrode told me to give you this *hands a crumpled up note to Crabbe*  
  
[Crabbe unfurls note, then reads it quickly]  
  
Crabbe: *throwing down note into the cauldron* ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! That's vile! That's sick! That's mingin'! AAAAAAARGH!!  
  
Malfoy: *looking at Pansy* What the hell did Bulstrode write in that note?  
  
Pansy: *giggling, and fixing her bra* Just stuff she wanted to do to him if she caught him alone in the Common Room! Hee hee!  
  
Goyle: That's rank!  
  
[Professor Sally walks over, smiling]  
  
Professor Sally: Hello girls! *air kisses Malfoy and Goyle* What's up with Frigid Bridget here? *points to Crabbe*  
  
Pansy: Let's just say, a blowjob and ass-fingering session from Bulstrode did the trick. *walks away*  
  
Professor Sally: *looking to Pansy* Bitch.  
  
Malfoy: I know, girlfriend! She has this sordid idea that girls like us should go out with OTHER GIRLS!  
  
Professor Sally: *claps hand to mouth* No! You're not serious!  
  
Goyle: She jolly well is!  
  
Professor Sally: Well anyway, gals I wanted to show you something.  
  
Crabbe: *recovered* Oh aye? *winks*  
  
[Professor Sally pulls up robes slightly to reveal canary yellow pointed stilettos]  
  
Professor Sally: Aren't they just the living end? *flicks hand forward limply*  
  
Malfoy: *excitedly*They're just DIVINE! Oh by the way, Sal, d'you know what's going on with Potter and his loony toons?  
  
Professor Sally: *claps hands together excitedly* Well you didn't hear this from me, but - Potter and Weasley are going out!  
  
Malfoy: *screams* No!  
  
Professor Sally: Yes! And not only that, Granger's joining in with the fun too!  
  
Malfoy: This it just terrible! It's even worse than the time I found out Orlando Bloom was gay!  
  
Crabbe: That was Rupert Everett, you skank!  
  
Malfoy: *titters nervously* Oh yeah! *pulls out picture of Orlando Bloom and kisses it* You're my Legolas!  
  
Goyle: Freak.  
  
[Professor Sally smacks Goyle's enormous ass and walks away]  
  
Goyle: Bitch.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~#  
  
Hehe ppl keep giving me advice on my 'Turbulent Spirits' story which I wrote at like one in the morning LOL! 


	5. Bang Bang Bang!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.  
  
I'd like to thank Evil Story Penguins and Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory for their reviews.  
  
Alexei Noire xXx :D  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 5: Bang, Bang, Bang!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
{In the Three Broomsticks. Draco, Crabbe and Millicent Bulstrode all sit at one table}  
  
Bulstrode: *huskily, strokes Crabbe's face* I don't want relationship, I just want BANG BANG BANG!  
  
Crabbe: *bemused* What?  
  
Bulstrode: I don't want to know your name, I just want BANG, BANG, BANG!  
  
[Harry, Hermione, Ron and Seamus walk in]  
  
Malfoy: *licks lips* Look there's my man! Ahhh I'm gonna show him my Cher tattoo when we fuck!  
  
Crabbe: Help...me...Malfoy...  
  
Bulstrode: I don't want to talk to you, I just want BANG, BANG, BANG! I don't want to eat chocolate, I just want BANG, BANG, BANG! I don't want to meet your Mum, I just want BANG, BANG, BANG!  
  
Malfoy: Shut up! He's walking this way!  
  
[Potter strides over, with his wand in his arm and points it at Malfoy's face]  
  
Harry: Scourgify!  
  
[Make up suddenly disappears off Malfoy's face, leaving a very masculine, but still cute look]  
  
Malfoy: What the fuck?  
  
[Harry bends down, grabs Malfoy's face and kisses him softly. The kiss intensifies, and Harry puts his tongue in and out of the other boy's mouth]  
  
Crabbe: That's disgusting!  
  
Bulstrode: I don't want to play with you; I just want BANG, BANG, BANG!  
  
[Harry pulls away from Draco, and gives him another kiss on the cheek]  
  
Harry: *laughs* Sorry, but I had a dream last night with you in it - one of THOSE dreams. But you looked more manly, you didn't have any makeup on, so that's why I did what I did, uh sorry about it though.  
  
Draco: *breathless* D-D-Don't mention it...*sighs and faints*  
  
[Harry walks off to join his friends]  
  
{At Potter's table}  
  
Hermione: That was so funny!  
  
Ron: HAH! You win the bet then - here's your nude poster of Ian McKellen then! *hands over a long tube*  
  
Seamus: Ian McKellen???  
  
Hermione: That's sick!  
  
Ron: Oh but we all have our perversions. *coughs* Snape *coughs* Sirius.  
  
[Hermione blushes, and puts her hand down Ron's pants]  
  
Ron: *in an orgasmic tone* Ohhhhhh 'Mione! Ohh BABY! YEAH!  
  
Seamus: LOL  
  
Harry: What did you just say?  
  
Seamus: I mean... uhhh... HAHA!  
  
Harry: That's better. Now kiss me.  
  
[Seamus kisses Harry]  
  
Ron: Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiit! I'm coming, I'M COMING DAMMIT!  
  
Hermione: *retracting hand from inside Ron's pants* Ewww!  
  
Harry: *points wand at Hermione's hand* Scourgify! *cum disappears*  
  
Hermione: *kisses Harry's crotch* Thanks babe.  
  
Seamus: So, Harry. How come your okay with everyone knowing THAT YOU'RE GAY?  
  
[Every face in Three Broomsticks turns to Seamus' table]  
  
Person in corner: Well I never!  
  
Other person: Ooooooooh how juicy!  
  
Yet another person: Woof!  
  
[Ginny runs over, holding Professor Sprout's hand]  
  
Ginny: *tears in eyes* But Harry, you could have made love to me and Professor Sprout here! And for your gay urge, we could have asked Hagrid to help!  
  
Harry: *wide eyed* I think I'll pass, Ginny *gets up and kisses Ginny on the lips*.  
  
Ginny: *giggling* Did Ron just come in his pants?  
  
Hermione: *laughs* Yeah, it's so icky isn't it?  
  
Ginny: Well you should see Hagrid's, well not only see it - FEEL IT. Honestly it's like putty!  
  
[Horrified glances from everyone on the table]  
  
Ginny: ...And I'll be over there. *walks over to table in corner*  
  
Hermione: Rrrrright... anyways - we should all have some sort of a party in Gryffindor Tower!  
  
Ron: *smoking on cigar* What for, bitch?  
  
Hermione: *frowning* He's always like that when I jack him off.  
  
Harry: No, but really, what we celebrating?  
  
Hermione: You and Seamus going out of course!  
  
Seamus: Oh yeah! LOL right we almost forgot about that!  
  
Harry: What did I say about LOL?  
  
[Seamus rapes Harry on the spot]  
  
Harry: *smoking cigar* Bitch!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~# 


	6. Moaning Myrtle's Toilet

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.  
  
Hehe thanks to BlackLadyofDoom, Pyro, Aria and Felicia for their reviews - LOL about the Fleur Delacour as a male thing! HAHA! But I've already got the next few chapters written for this, but after that - ya never know! ;)  
  
Alexei Noire xXx :D  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 6: Moaning Myrtle's Toilet~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
{In Transfiguration Class with the Slytherins - at Harry, Hermione and Ron's table}  
  
Professor McGonagall: Today, class we will be turning teacups into exploding fireworks!  
  
Hermione: That's a weird task.  
  
Professor McGonagall: Don't question my technique, Muggle-Born. *taps fingers together* TEE HEE HEE!!  
  
Ron: Rrrrright... then.  
  
Harry: *keeping eyes forward* Is that Malfoy still staring at my fit arse?  
  
Hermione: Why do you care? You're straight, you buffoon!  
  
Harry: WHAT? I'm gay! The other day you had to convince ME that I was gay, and now I'm reciprocating on a later date?  
  
Ron: Shhhhhh Harry.  
  
{Back at Malfoy's table}  
  
Malfoy: *camp* I think I'll impress Potter by making the most explodingest ribtickling sponfabulous fleshbunking firework in the class!  
  
Crabbe: *camp* Stop reading the BFG - you're using fantastesticall adjectives again!  
  
Malfoy: Well what d'you think of my idea then, GOYLE?  
  
Goyle: Hey, guess what? We're in Transfiguration class!  
  
Malfoy: *tuts* Here goes *points wand at teacup* Alitum Inferno!  
  
[Teacup turns into Catherine Wheel, which burns Malfoy ]  
  
Malfoy: Dammit!  
  
Goyle: Ooooh Shiney! *pokes wand at Catherine Wheel, making it roll forwards right into Potter.*  
  
Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!! *In pain cuz of the burn (duh!)*  
  
Professor McGonagall: *points wand at Catherine Wheel* Finite Incantatem!  
  
Harry: Fuck! I'm all burnt, Minnie!  
  
Professor McGonagall: I'm called McGoggagoll *giggles madly* Hee hee!  
  
Hermione: Weirdo.  
  
Malfoy: I'm hurt, Professor!  
  
Professor McGonagall: Hmm okay then, Hermione, Ron go to the Hospital Wing then - you look all shagged and raped.  
  
Ron: But Harry's all burnt, we're just sluts!  
  
Hermione: *with her hand down Ron's pants again* Ooooh Ron, can we have some 'fun' later?  
  
Harry: OW!  
  
Professor McGonagall: Oh okay then - Potter, blonde queer in the back who thinks he's Elle Woods, go to Hospital Wing.  
  
[Harry and Malfoy walk out of classroom, nursing severe burns]  
  
Malfoy: *less camp* Now that we're out of there, I can fix this in a jiff! *points wand at Potter's burns* Congelo Maximus! *burns heal*  
  
Harry: Where'd ya learn that, poof?  
  
Malfoy: *annoyed* Oooh who's a lil bitch?  
  
Harry: Shut up, Malfoy, you're not my type.  
  
Malfoy: Well who IS your type then?  
  
Harry: Umm...Seamus Finnigan - when he's wearing a cowboy hat.  
  
Malfoy: Hehehe *points wand at himself, and suddenly has a cowboy hat, leather gloves, boots and a white thong.* How about this then?  
  
Harry: *laughs* Too gay! Anyway I'm gonna go to the toilet.  
  
[Harry walks into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.]  
  
Malfoy: Too GAY? *walks in after Potter*  
  
Harry: *notices the faggot cowboy walked in* Oh hello missy.  
  
Malfoy: *points wand at face* Scourgify! *make up disappears*  
  
Harry: *turns round* Shit! You're ...HOT!  
  
Malfoy: *smiling* I know.  
  
[They strip off, with Harry um...on the *er hem* receiving end. And they fuck for a while]  
  
Moaning Myrtle: Ooooooh gay sex! I wonder what Alexei was smoking when he thought of this story!  
  
Harry: Ohhhhh Seamus! Shit, you Irish cowboy!  
  
Malfoy: Ohhhhh Bellatrix! Shit!  
  
Harry: You fucked the *moans* woman that...that... killed my godfather?  
  
Malfoy: *moans in orgasm* Ohhhhhhhhhh SHIT!  
  
Harry: *also comes* SHIIIIIIIIIIIT! Hubba hubba! I like that! Yes I do!  
  
Moaning Myrtle: Potter, I always knew you were gay, even after the time we fucked.  
  
Harry: *zipping up trouser* My dick froze after that - I think that was the reason for my homosexuality.  
  
Malfoy: *applying lipstick in the mirror* You're ...GAY?  
  
Harry: *rolls eyes* Where have you fucking been ferret?  
  
[Hermione walks in with Seamus and Ron]  
  
Seamus: What's going on here?  
  
Ron: What's that smell?  
  
Hermione: It's a toilet, Ron.  
  
Ron: Oh yeah.  
  
Seamus: *gasps* You both look like you've been shagged!  
  
Hermione: I think it's clear what happened here.  
  
Ron: *claps hand to mouth* You don't mean to say that - MOANING MYRTLE FUCKED THEM???  
  
Hermione: *slaps hand to forehead exasperatedly* No Ron, I don't.  
  
Harry: Umm, we'll be off then. *slaps Draco's ass*  
  
Hermione: Okay then *smacks Harry's ass*  
  
Ron: Oi!  
  
Hermione: *giggles* Sorry! But ummm, you have a bigger cock!  
  
Seamus: *laughs* God, Hermy - the things you say to please your man!  
  
[Exeunt]  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~#  
  
Remember, I escaped from a drug rehabilitation clinic, broke out of a mental hospital and snuck out of prison with the help of my good mate Lemony Snicket - so understandably, I'm not gonna be the sanest person u meet.  
  
Alexei Noire xXx :D 


	7. She's MY Baby!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.  
  
*gasps* Only ONE review!?! Rayeanna, your review was as insane as this story. Now go and read the end of Black Magick like a good fan!  
  
Alexei Noire xXx :D  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 7: She's MY Baby!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
{In the Gryffindor Quidditch Changing Rooms}  
  
Harry: *whilst changing out of Quidditch Robes after practise* Hey you know what Ron? I think there IS someone that I love, but I'm really sorry to tell you this.  
  
Ron: *also changing* Who? It's not a boy is it? Cuz you know, I'm over that whole you being gay thing - okay I must admit you're a freak for wanting to wilfully sodomize another MAN, but I guess if I ignore it enough it won't bother me.  
  
Harry: *sighs and grabs Ron by the hips, pulling him towards him* Ron...  
  
Ron: *thunderstruck* Oh shit - you love ME don't you! HELP! RAPE! RAPE!  
  
Harry: *slaps Ron* Shut up, bitch. No I don't love YOU, I love...  
  
Ron: Ginny? Hagrid? Ian McKellen?  
  
Harry: *whispering* I love Hermione.  
  
Ron: *wide-eyed and frozen* Fuck... That's pretty fucked. *sighs quickly* Ah well - comme ci comme ça, eh?  
  
Harry: Aren't you outraged? You should be beating me up!  
  
[Seamus and Lavender walk in]  
  
Lavender: *kisses Harry on the lips* Hey babe.  
  
Seamus: *kisses Harry on the lips* Hey babe.  
  
Harry: *angrily* I'm not going out with either of you! YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
Seamus: *looking like he couldn't care less* What-ever dude!  
  
Lavender: *shocked* You fancy Malfoy don't you! Seamus told me you two fucked in the toilet the other day!  
  
Harry: No I don't fancy him - I think I fancy my best friend.  
  
Seamus: *laughs* You fancy Ron? I thought this was coming, I mean me and Lavender are going out now!  
  
Ron: You - what?  
  
Harry: I love Hermione, not Ron!  
  
Lavender: *caresses Harry's chest* Oooh you're all sweaty...that's so hot.  
  
Harry: *smooches Lavender* Fuck me!  
  
Lavender: Okay then! Come on Seamus - to the showers!  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
{In the Gryffindor Common Room}  
  
Hermione: Harry - you can't love me, you're gay. Gay as Christmas!  
  
Harry: I hate being gay; you're not allowed to fuck women.  
  
Ron: Look who came crawling back from the Nancy Tribe!  
  
Hermione: Shut up Ron, or I won't give you a blowjob later. Harry, maybe you ARE straight, but you know life isn't all about love - it's about power, work, pain and MONEY!  
  
Ron: I think money comes under 'power', Hermy.  
  
Hermione: So it does! *surprised* Why Ron, that's the cleverest thing you've said today! Bravo! *applauds*  
  
Harry: Can I talk in crude French, Hermione?  
  
Hermione: Oui, bien sur!  
  
Harry: *doucement* Hermione, je pense que nous devons aller et devons avoir le sexe pour que je se peux remettre de mon envie sexuelle.  
  
Hermione: *avec colère* Bien sûr pas vous l'âne! Aller et masturber!  
  
Harry: *soupir* Met à l'amende alors, mais je vais parler dans anglais maintenant.  
  
Hermione: Thank God!  
  
Harry: I know, that was quite unusual!  
  
Ron: Mais JE veux parler en français maintenant!  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
{After lunch in the Library}  
  
Harry: Hermione, did Ron tell you why he wanted to meet us here?  
  
Hermione: Nope, just said he had to tell me summat important.  
  
Harry: Hermione?  
  
Hermione: Yes Harry?  
  
Harry: I love you -  
  
Hermione: Don't even go there *sticks out hand* Talk to the hand, not to the face, cuz the face ain't listening hun!  
  
[Malfoy comes into Library, accompanied by Ron and Professor Sally]  
  
Ron: Hey guys!  
  
Hermione: Ron, what's with the bulge?  
  
Harry: Yeah, you weren't this fat before.  
  
Malfoy: *grinning* It's not fat!  
  
Professor Sally: *claps hands together* He's pregnant!  
  
Hermione: Oh dear Lord.  
  
Harry: Fucking hell.  
  
Malfoy: *camp* Well aren't you going to congratulate your friend?  
  
Hermione: Whose is it?  
  
Harry: *tentatively* It's not mine is it?  
  
Ron: No, It's Parvati's!  
  
[Harry and Hermione pause, staring at Ron and thinking that they must have misheard him]  
  
Hermione: But Ron - Parvati is a GIRL.  
  
Harry: Hey, yeah and Ron, you're a boy! How can you carry a baby?  
  
Professor Sally: Now don't be so hard on ickle Ronny, she may get a bit antsy during her pregnancy! *smacks Hermione's bum*  
  
Malfoy: *camp* It was almost MY baby!  
  
Hermione and Harry: Wait a minute! *they put their hands under Ron's shirt and pull out a bundle of blankets*  
  
Harry: You're not pregnant at all!  
  
Hermione: I can't believe this!  
  
Professor Sally: Well it was rather funny! LOL!  
  
Harry: Did you just say LOL?  
  
Professor Sally: *nervously* I...erm...*pushes Harry into bookshelf* leamme alone! *runs out of Library*  
  
Malfoy: *flirtatiously* Hey Harry, wanna make love to me?  
  
Harry: *takes hold of Hermione's hand* No, I love Hermione.  
  
Malfoy: *gasps* How could you love someone who doesn't exfoliate on a regular basis to cover up her Mudblood bad skin!  
  
Harry: You asshole! I'm gonna teach you a lesson! *grabs Draco by the legs and rapes him on a table*  
  
[Madam Pince walks over]  
  
Madam Pince: What's going on here? *sees naked Harry and Draco* AAAARGH! How can you have gay sex on my books! Get off them, GET OFF THEM DAMMIT!  
  
Ron: Hey 'Mione, fancy some fun in the Prefects' Bathroom?  
  
Hermione: *lights up cigar* Come on then, bitch - I really WILL get you pregnant!  
  
[Exeunt]  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~#  
  
In the immortal words of Beck (not the singer!): "Go on make my day, FLAME ME!"  
  
Alexei Noire xXx :D 


	8. Boogie Woogie

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.  
  
Thanks to Lyn for her review.. *sigh*  
  
Alexei Noire xXx =D  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 8: Boogie Woogie~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
{In the Great Hall, at the Midnight Ball for Sixth Years and above}  
  
Malfoy: *camp* Hey guys, d'you think my feminine dress robes are hot?  
  
Crabbe: *camp and flicking wrist forward limply* Oh daaarling - of course! Who wouldn't like lurid pink dress robes and canary yellow stilettos?  
  
Goyle: Oi, look there's Bambi!  
  
Malfoy: *annoyed* Her name is PANSY, not Bambi, Goyle.  
  
[Pansy walks over wearing purple dress robes and a gaudy red leather handbag a lot like Tinki Winki's]  
  
Pansy: *camp* Hi girls! *air kisses each of the three Slytherins*  
  
Crabbe: I just LOVE your nail varnish, darling - it's simply resplendent!  
  
Pansy: *flutters eyelashes* Why thank you, babes - oh here comes old Sally!  
  
[Professor Sally sails over wearing dress robes of sheer blonde colour and bright scarlet stilettos - clashing horribly together.]  
  
Professor Sally: *girlishly* Hi gals! Like my new heels? I got them from Xantha Wizard Wear!  
  
Malfoy: Wow, girlfriend that must have been worth a few!  
  
Crabbe: I'm impressed with your skin, babes - look how flawless it is!  
  
Professor Sally: *blushing and batting her over long lashes* I had a facial earlier at the Beauty Boutique in Diagon Alley - only seventeen Galleons it was!  
  
Pansy: *shocked* Omigod! You have to take me sometime, Salz I mean they know you! Look at what a bad job they did with me! *shakes her large boobs about like puppies fighting under a blanket*  
  
Seamus: *walking over* Put em away - Parkinson!  
  
Crabbe: *whispering to Malfoy* ooh it's Finnigan and look who's with him!  
  
[Harry, Hermione and Ron walk over]  
  
Harry: *to Hermione* Don't ya just love our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?  
  
Hermione: Well he's okay, I suppose - he was friends with Sirius you know.  
  
Harry: I know - but he's so damn cute!  
  
Ron: You've slept with Professor Mitochondria haven't you?  
  
Hermione: Who's that?  
  
Harry: He's our DADA teacher, Hermione.  
  
Hermione: *smiling* Oh yeah.  
  
Ron: I think Malfoy's asking you over Harry.  
  
Harry: Oh fuck, what does he want with me? I don't even fancy him - he's too gay.  
  
[Malfoy walks over]  
  
Malfoy: *camp* Hi Harry! Nice dress robes!  
  
Harry: *smiling weakly* Thanks Malfoy...  
  
Malfoy: Well aren't you going to ask me to dance?  
  
Harry: *sighs* Look Malfoy - there's something I have to tell you...  
  
Malfoy: *eyes wide* Oh gosh, you don't like my dress robes do you?  
  
Harry: No, no, it's not that. I just don't fancy you, that's all.  
  
[Silence. Cold Wind. Tumbleweed.]  
  
Ron: Where did that tumbleweed come from?  
  
Hermione: Ooh it looks like fun! *chases after tumbleweed*  
  
Malfoy: *shocked* You...WHAT?  
  
Harry: Well seriously, Malfoy, you're so gay! You think you're Elle Woods - a tight assed, pink, lipsticked woman on the edge. COME ON! Wake up, Draco - when are you going to realise you are a boy with balls, not a woman with breasts?  
  
Malfoy: *makes choking noise* F-Fuck you! *walks away*  
  
[Ron and Hermione come back looking flushed from their tumbleweed chase]  
  
Hermione: So? What happened?  
  
Harry: I told him.  
  
Ron: *slips hands round Harry's waist and nuzzles into his shoulder* Well now you can have me all to yourself!  
  
Harry: *brushing him off* I don't WANT you all to myself!  
  
Hermione: You missed one hell of a tumbleweed chase!  
  
Seamus: LOL.  
  
Ron: Harry! He said 'LOL'! Aren't you going to rape him?  
  
Harry: *frowning slightly* No - there's something I have to do.  
  
[Harry walks towards exit]  
  
Hermione: *loudly* Well where are you going?  
  
Harry: *yelling back at her* To find Malfoy!  
  
{Out in the grounds, Draco sits sobbing into a handkerchief that has lots of happy looking moose on it.}  
  
Malfoy: *to himself in a soliloquy* He doesn't like me...*sob* Says I'm too fucking GAY. *sob* Well fuck him!  
  
[Harry comes up from behind and crouches down behind Malfoy. He puts a hand onto Malfoy's shoulder.]  
  
Harry: *softly* Draco - it's me. I have something else to tell you.  
  
Malfoy: *spins round* Get the fuck away from me! *gets up and backs away* I never want to see you again!  
  
Harry: *walks closer* Draco, I just realised something and I can't believe I didn't know this before.  
  
Malfoy: *angrily* What? That you hate more things about me? *scoffs* Potter - I really hate you, you know. So what if I'm a bit girly? It's who I am! And if you can't hack that...then...then you're not worth the bother.  
  
Harry: *sighs then raises wand and points at Malfoy* Locomoter Mortis!  
  
[Malfoy's legs wrap themselves around each other madly and he falls to the ground. Harry kneels down next to him and strokes the blonde's hair]  
  
Malfoy: *angry and struggling* What the hell is wrong with you? Fucking get the hell away from me!  
  
Harry: *softly* Draco - I love you.  
  
[Cold wind and tumbleweed strike again!]  
  
Malfoy: Where did that tumbleweed come from?  
  
Harry: *shrugs* Who cares? *moves closed to Malfoy and presses his lips against the Slytherin's*  
  
[Kiss resumes and Alexei twiddles fingers nervously and winces at the pain in his balls - he really should stop walking into his toilet door every morning]  
  
Draco: *after Harry pulls apart* Are you serious?  
  
Harry: *smiling* Course I am! *nuzzles Draco's chest* You're my Dray.  
  
Malfoy: *puts arms around Harry* I love you too.  
  
[And they smile at each other and look with goo goo eyes bla bla bla... As you can see - Alexei Noire is NOT a romantic]  
  
Ron: *coming out of castle with Hermione and Professor Sally* Oi, oi! What's going on here?  
  
Professor Sally: *dancing about* Oooh Draco and Harry! YAY! Let's all go to Bognor for a pepsi!  
  
Hermione: No  
  
Ron: No  
  
Harry: No  
  
Draco: No  
  
Professor Sally: *a bit abashed* I was just saying is all!  
  
Hermione: So now you like Draco? Oh but Alexei - you said you weren't going to do the clichéd fanfic with a Harry and Draco slash!  
  
Alexei: Shut up Mudblood.  
  
Ron: Oi! Don't talk to Hermione like that just because Julia Roberts is too old to go out with you!  
  
Alexei: Do you WANT me to mutate you horribly, Ron? I can do anything I want to you seeing as I am the author.  
  
Ron: No, sorry about that Alexei. *whispers to Hermione* Is that how Snape became Sally?  
  
Hermione: *whispering* Yep.  
  
Professor Sally: Is this the last chapter, Alexei?  
  
Alexei: Nope - well it depends of anyone actually reviews this chapter or not, because otherwise it is the last.  
  
Professor Sally: You hear that readers? READ AND REVIEW or you won't get another chapter!  
  
[Exeunt]  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~#  
  
Final notes:  
  
Why am I in the story once again? I don't know, ask yourself and you'll find the answer.  
  
Why do I love Julia Roberts? Because she's so damn fine!  
  
Why did I write this fic? Because someone was riding the horse that day, and nothing was on TV - so naturally I wrote a redunkulous fanfic!  
  
haha well there's one last chapter to go - but it won't exist yet until you review this chapter, so get reviewing! Alexei Noire xXx =P 


	9. Bye Bye!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, Hogwarts or any of the characters used. This story is in no way affiliated with the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling so don't compare it with her work.  
  
Alexei Noire xXx =P  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 9: Bye Bye! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
{At Hogsmeade Train Station, The Potter Clan and Draco unite}  
  
Harry: *with arm round Draco* 'Mione, Ronnykins – you got everything packed?  
  
Ron: *rolls eyes* Is it me or has Harry Poo-cakes gotten gayer since he started going out with Princess Pretty in Pink here?  
  
Hermione: It's you Ron.....*sees some shiny pink material poking out of Ron's trunk*.....Ron what's that?  
  
Ron: *notices what she's on about* Eeeek! That's nothing!!  
  
[Hermione and Harry make a grab for the material, and reveal a pair of VERY kinky pink thongs]  
  
Harry: *waving the thong about* Ronald – what's this?  
  
Draco: *camp* Why it's a new member of the Queer Clan!  
  
Ron: STOP IT! *bitchily and moodily* Give it here!!  
  
[Passing students and people give odd looks, Hagrid arrives]  
  
Hagrid: *from above* HELLO THERE HARRY! HI HERMIONE! YO RONNIE MA HOMIE!  
  
Harry and Hermione: Wossup ma homeboy? *hug*  
  
Ron: PLEASE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!  
  
Hagrid: *spots panties* 0o0o0o0o0 What's this Ronny? PINK THONGS! MOY FAVOURITE!! *snatches thong from Harry and swallows them whole*  
  
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY FAVOURITE THONG!!!  
  
[Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy Parkinson and Professor Sally all come over, and in Goyle's case, waddle]  
  
Goyle: How's ma ho?  
  
Draco: *camp* 0o0o0 so you've gone all ghetto today I see Goyle *titters* It's a nice look on you.  
  
Crabbe: *air kisses Malfoy* Hi darling! How do you like my BANGS!  
  
Hermione: AAAAAAAARGH!!!  
  
Harry: Bloody hell!!! EXPECTO PATRONUM!!  
  
Ron: Hmmm could do with some highlights.....  
  
Draco: *camp* To be perfectly honest, darling – they look shit.  
  
Pansy: *camp* But they're just DIVINE! She had them done at the Beauty Boutique! My father bought 5.46789790753820284658390% of that place!  
  
Professor Sally: SHE LIES! SHE LIES!! These are not BANGS! This *scoffs* is a PUDDING BOWL HAIRCUT!!!  
  
[shocked gasps from all around]  
  
Professor Sally: Yes, yes! Believe it, it's true! *applies some powder to nose* We can't all be as gorgeous as moi!  
  
Harry: Anyfence, we better get onto the Woghort's Express.  
  
Ron: The.. what-now?  
  
Draco and Hermione: Oh don't mind him – he gets a bit muddled up when he's had sex recently.  
  
Draco: How do YOU know!?  
  
Hermione: I could as you the same!!  
  
Draco: Uhhh, I go out with him!  
  
Ron: So what? Alexei Noire's already proven that people don't have to be in a relationship to have sex! Why they rampant sex scenes on his other fics are just LUDICROUS!  
  
Alexei: Shut up Ron, *waves slender Elvish fingers* Now your necrophagous second coming, bashed from the Cradle to Enslaaaaaaaaved!!  
  
Crabbe: *flapping about nervously* What is he DOING!?  
  
Pansy: *camp* Who is he anyway?  
  
Professor Sally: Oh hello Alexei!! *waves*  
  
[Nothing Happens]  
  
Hermione: Alexei why were you singing Cradle of Filth songs?  
  
Alexei: *shrugs* Because I'm listening to one right now? LOL  
  
Harry: Ohhh for fuck's sake.  
  
Ron: What?  
  
Pansy: HE SAID LOL!  
  
Alexei: *slaps Professor Sally round face with wet fish* Silli boi.  
  
Professor Sally: *flabbergasted* I....Fu...  
  
Alexei: *giggling madly* WELL CRAZY CATS I'M OFF WOOOOOOO!!! LAAA LAAA!! *poof*  
  
Hermione: Is he quite alright up there?  
  
Hagrid: ALL ABOARD THE HOGWART'S EXPRESS!! YEAH COME ON MA HONEYS AND MA HOMIES GET ON DAT VEHICLE SO DAT YOU IS STREET AND CAN CROOZE WID DA HUSTLAZ!  
  
[Everyone climbs aboard]  
  
Crabbe: *camp* Oh Sally we shall miss you over the holidays!  
  
Draco: *camp* Yes you MUST visit!  
  
Pansy: *camp* Who will I compare manicures to all summer?  
  
Professor Sally: *giggling wackily* I KNOOOOOOOW! *climbs aboard train*  
  
Harry: Sally what are you doing?  
  
Professor Sally: Heeheee! I'm coming to London with you!! Yes I am!! YOWZA!  
  
Hermione: *tentatively* Great.....  
  
Ron: What joy.....  
  
Alexei: *on other side of compartment* WHOOPEE!!  
  
[Train departs for yet another promising summer.....aaaaaaaaww]  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ #  
  
Heh so last chapter eh? Woot.  
  
Was one of the stupidest fics I wrote I must say. Almost as bad as the Will and Grace one, but this was good stoof.  
  
Alexei Noire xXx =D! 


End file.
